Saturday, December 26, 2009
Maternal
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Pillar
We're having a reunion of sorts for the girls today. All three years combined. In one place. In this weather. AWESOME.
They're gonna ask me questions about he and I and now she and I and she and he. I don't know if it's better to bring it up myself, and get it over with, or leave it be and take care of it when one of them brings it up.
Today will be difficult not because of one thing, but because of kaleidoscope life I'm living. I want desperately to be held and told "All will be fine." Not good, not great, but fine. That's all I want. I've done the holding and mothering, mentoring, and sistering, but not the partnering. I want to lay in his arms and feel what I'm feeling and not talk about it. Not yet. Lay and laugh, or cry whichever tickles my fancy. I want to know that someone is there. I know God is "there" or "here" or "wherever." That's not enough for me. That's probably blasphemous to say, but it doesn't change how I feel.
I want to weep and cry. I will, trust me. I want to fall and sob, and I will. I'll pick myself up "weary and bruised to the bone," but I want help getting up. A totem-pole of strength on which to brace myself till I can stand fully erect. I need that, but for now, as usual, I will do it on my own.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Arizona
But I won't follow
Just so you know
Leave if you need to leave
But I won't be here
I wont be here when you come home
Look up some old friends
I'm gonna get me a navy pea coat
And an old Mercedes Benz
There's too many people in my junk
I'm gonna do a lot of drinking
Cause it don't hurt when I'm drunk
Down in the Lower Haight
I'm gonna find me an old accordion
Play for the tourists on the golden gate
Paint my bathroom blue
I'm gonna try real hard
To get over you
There's plenty of good people I know
Up in north beach they drink spicy Italian liqueur
Down on market there's a lot of hobos and the hustlers
Deep in the tenderloin you can get anything you want
Over in the mission it's always a sunny day
It's a real good baseball town but my team is across the bay
Saturday, November 28, 2009
An old friend
Emotionally, I’m tender and bruised. I can’t help but feel betrayed by two people I cared about. I feel that they could’ve been more mindful of exactly what their decisions would do to me. But, because of how sinister one can be and the naïveté the other tends toward, they’re incapable of understanding exactly why, how much, and what exactly hurt me. As a result, I’m being far too mindful of what others need and how I could possibly hurt someone else. I’m overcompensating by looking too far into far too many nooks and crannies of the future. I want to live my life as carefree and happily as I’d always intended. But I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t think our joys are supposed to be at the expense of others. Is it possible to be in a relationship that doesn’t hurt? Where anger,jealousy, and mistrust aren’t the prevailing sentiments? I’ve only had that with my female friends. It’s an unfamiliar tendency in regards to the opposite sex, hence my over analysis of minutiae. Is it possible for someone to fall in love with me and I them and for no one to lay singed and broken?
Monday, November 16, 2009
Family portrait
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
continuing
Monday, November 9, 2009
It's officially depression sans the emotional kickback
If that's the case, then I'm truly depressed... but I'm not. My steps are ordered. I will walk in the way I am to walk.
The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.
I've been through so much worse.
Take me or leave me
Thursday, November 5, 2009
even if i never see you again i'm glad tonight happened.
Monday, November 2, 2009
I should be sleeping
My body has always manifested stress in a way that interrupts my slumber. I have a crush-- it takes away sleep. I'm stressed at work - I get my period and it takes away sleep. There's a bit of a pattern.
I had a dream that I was weird. Once I awoke, I realized that where I'm at is too small for me. I don't mean "I'm so amazing and this place can't hold me." No, eh eh. I have unconventional ideas and beliefs and I haven't found anyone here who I can identify with. As a result, this place is too small for me. I'd like to move out west somewhere. For some reason I feel that's where the people with the big ideas live. Probably not. There probably right here and I just need to find them.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Obsessed: I don't know Mariah, you tell me.
I'm home sick from work today. Awesome. NOT. I'm bored as hell. So I'm sitting here with my laptop and phone. That's a dangerous combination. For awhile it was on silent because "...what if he called but didn't leave a message? How would I know?" I'm a moron. I'm obsessed. Queue insane rationalization in 5...4...3...2..1...
I don't "click" with a lot of men. I get along with almost everyone I meet, but when it comes to an emotional and sexual connection it doesn't happen often. When it does, look out. I wish I wasn't this way. Growing up I was never that girl that guys swooned over. I've always been able to attract older men but that's more creepy than it is flattering. I've never had men come up to me and praise me for my good looks and feminine figure. So, when I meet someone who appears to be as into me as I am into them I get excited. I can't help it. It's like asking the villagers from The Gods Must be Crazy not to treat the Coke bottle like the latest Tickle me Elmo during Christmas.
So there, I said it. Or rather hinted at it. Men don't usually find me attractive, and when they do I'm in rare form. I've tried not to sit by the phone, but it's hard. I think I could really like this guy. Also, I've been enduring a dry spell for oh say about a year or so.... :( I wish guys had a bullshit-o-meter. "I'm just asking you for your number so I can feel good about myself," but he didn't feel like that. He felt like he asked to exchange numbers as a result of genuine interest and desire to get to know me. Perhaps I should take solace in that final thought. He was attracted to me enough to flirt and get my number. I should just accept it for the compliment it is and move on. Oy, easier typed than believed.
Update: 11/2/2009
I was too impatient to wait for him to call me so I called him on Saturday. He didn't pick up (Thank God). He called me back later that day. He was at a gig and called me during the break. We're going to get together Thursday (and Wednesday too). I can't say that I'm excited because it's not like roller coaster ride excited. My stomach isn't turning in knots, my hands aren't sweaty. That part is over.
I think I get nervous during the "first" stage because that's when you judge people on the physical aspect and that's not something with which I'm comfortable. However, in this stage the "I wonder if our personalities click" part I'm a bit more confident. I like my personality and if he doesn't well, there's not thing I can do about it. If only I had the confidence to adopt that mentality with every other part of my life.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Nothing but smiles
I went out tonight. Wasn't like other nights just decided to go out. I put make-up on. Wore a cute outfit, put a book in my yoga bag, grabbed my camera and headed for my favorite hangout.
Whaddya know, Seth was there. :)
We like ran into each other and were both caught off-guard. Finally, when he was away from his friends and I was talking to the Open Mic host in a close vicinity to him and I eventually walked over and was like "Sooo, what were you doing in LA?" We started talking. It took a minute for us to remember the familiarity of before, but no longer than that.
We chatted and flirted. He put started playing with my belt....it was cute. He was cute. We were cute.
I'd forgotten the feeling of flirtation...of mutual respect...of intellectual stimulation. He's smart. He has a great relationship with his friend that traveled cross country. Eventually, his friend asked if he wanted to go to their other hangout (he did this like three times and it wasn't until the final time that he acquiesced. Gave me a hug and mentioned that we should exchange numbers.
It didn't feel like exchanging numbers though. It felt normal. Like hey we're going to get together but I need your number for that so let's make it happen. It didn't feel like it did with Ricardo. With him, I felt nervous. With Seth, it felt natural.
I enjoyed tonight. I'm glad it happened. To the forces that allowed it to occur I say thanks.
I'll chalk this up to irony, but this was apart of my horoscope. A bit eerie if you ask me:
"For the unattached Taurus on October 28, with the planet of love in good aspect to the planet of luck, there could be an encounter with someone who holds the key to your future happiness."
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Vetting by the Adolescent Relationship Commission
While doing research my thoughts went back to things of the past. Kids have been asking questions -- as they so often do-- and I know it's only a matter of time before I'm placed in the uncomfortable situation of having to respond. His response has been evasive. To tell you the truth that's hurtful. He's pretending like we didn't exist. However, when I put myself in his shoes I can empathize. He feels like a failure and it probably seems a bit smarmy that he dated two women at his workplace (make no mistake, it is) but he doesn't want to deal with that so he might as well pretend like we never happened; avoid us and we will go away.
I'm not going to avoid us. That just creates lies and I'd rather face it head on. So, here's my response if it's ever needed:
Yes, we dated briefly during the first year. But that's not the point. I think the point is that Mr. [Blank] and Miss [Blank] discovered their love for one another and now they're happy. So rather than dwell on the past let's just rejoice in the fact that they found each other. Let's just be happy for them.
With that as my response I can already feel heart freedom. It feels light. I'm not going to deny our relationship to students because I think they need to see that not all relationships work out. Now, if my mentees from the first year ask I'll be more specific and honest with them, but still provide them age appropriate knowledge. I will not lie.
I never thought I'd have to do this.
I wrote one of my first blog entries almost a year ago detailing the ensuing demise of our relationship. Honestly, I wish it was the relationship that we wanted it to be. But it wasn't. When you date an addict, you date a selfish emotionally unavailable person. When you date him without his addiction, you date a selfish emotionally unavailable person. Two-fold was too much. I'm happy that I'm free of him. Not happy that I'm single though. I'd like someone to laugh with, cook for, and spend time with. It will come. I just have to be patient and we all know, I'm no good at that. :) However, I'm free to have a healthy relationship, and if you don't know, I'm good at that.
Monday, October 26, 2009
The day's requirings
I will make myself presentable even though I'd rather not. I will be the woman others need me to be until I can sit in solace and be the woman I need to be.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
"Life is a journey, not a destination"
Rough day all around. Made a few calls. Sat in my car and cried. Life is the most difficult thing I've ever done. I'm grateful that one day it will be over.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Femininity my ass
I'm getting this tattoo, not in rebellion, but in celebration. I have been alone most of my life. Every person who was supposed to love and care for me didn't. The ones who have are a Godsend. I found an amazing artist who is going to help me accomplish something I've wanted for a long time. I seldom do things because they make me more attractive to others. When I have, it has lit my ass on fire like an inflamed hemorrhoid.
I've gotta do me. I will be known as Dr. _____ someday. I will have a beautiful phoenix half sleeve tattoo. I am beautiful. Having these things doesn't not detract from that. Having them does not add to that. They are yet another element of who I am.
Option-less
There were many, and now there are none. Go figure.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Be still biznatch
"No."
That's essentially what I've told God. He's told me be still and I’ve pretty much screamed “No” like a defiant toddler. Occasionally I'll say "Eh, maybe...alright but only this once." But seldom do I say "Sure!"
There are times when I'm at peace with my life and I'm happy to be still and let God do His thang. But that's only when His plan is going according to my plan. Let’s take now for example. About a month ago I met *Dave. He’s a musician and periodically plays open mic nights at my favorite hangout. The last time I saw him, we connected. He’s funny, intelligent, socially conscious and nerdy; I’d like to get to know him better. We left that night with abstract plans (that was my fault) of "See you next week," and "Yeah, you should come hangout at ___ sometime."
For the past week I couldn’t get him out of my mind. I just wanted to see him. So, last night, like I usually do, I went to open mic to do some homework, "run" into him, and give him my number. To my dismay, he wasn’t there...at least when I was. I left early because of the creepy grandfather figures who continued to proposition endless love-making sessions that made my ovaries shrivel up and want to die.
Our conversations were simple and effortless. I can’t force it, but I also can’t force the thought of him out of my mind. Trust me, I’ve tried. This horoscope probably doesn’t help:
"It's time for whispers, Taurus, for secret thoughts and tender, romantic exchanges. Your own planet, loving Venus herself, has a surprise arranged for you, too. You know how much she loves romance, so prepare yourself for quite the week. You'll definitely need some privacy; well, to be honest, you'll need a lot of privacy, thanks to this lovely lady's plans. Someone you've been thinking about has been thinking of you, too. Together with some startling news from Mercury, the master of communication who will enter Libra and your house of intimate moments this week, you two may actually be able to get together and share those thoughts...."
The next time I see him I have to remember that he’s not feeling the same things I am. I can’t behave as if we’re on the same page. That will just lead to disappointment. I have to try and get to know him better. I just want to make sure this doesn’t fall by the wayside. I’m ready for this. But, I just have to trust God and, for the time being, be still.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I am the umpire
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Still
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Make believe
Today was growth. I sat in my favorite chair journaling with my dog at my side recalling a conversation that had just occurred and feeling my growth but incapable of acknowledging its need for a name. I felt more satisfied than I had before because satisfaction was born from a moment and not a search. Over the past few months I’ve been searching for happiness, for satisfaction, for peace, for me. But those things are lost in the seeking. They lie quietly in the moments of serenity. They are the spawn of acceptance -- not complacency -- acceptance in the purest form: “the fact of being accepted: approval” I approved of myself today. I stamped a red rubber stamp, sans the bureaucracy, on my flesh. To say that I loved myself would be doing an injustice to what transgressed. I have always “loved myself.” Yet did not approve, at least, as I should have. To approve of oneself, one’s history, reality and response to the preceding is the greatest peace. That was gift to myself.
Thinking of the joy that I hear in Emily’s voice when she speaks of her wife is ecstasy. To think that someone who went through so much has found what they have desired is exhilarating. Not because I hope to find that someday, but because someone already has. I hear in her voice the love that I dreamt existed before I met him, felt as I loved him, and began to forget and as he ignored his love for me. Hearing that truth, that clarity in her voice was a soothing relief to a heart that lay singed and wizened from pain. I’m glad that she has found what she has, because now I know that what I craved as a little girl doesn’t only exist in the land of make believe.
Monday, January 19, 2009
a difference
We, he and I, had a conversation last night that scared me. Thinking about it now makes me nervous and fear-filled trembles take refuge in my body. He screamed at me. He was upset at something I said and he screamed until his voice cracked.
Last night, as I lay my head down on my pillow, the last thoughts were those of him -- us. I woke 4 hours after the original positioning to find myself full of fear. Riddled with terror I looked back to times when he would hit things, and slam his head against walls. I awoke very frightened. So frightened I wanted to cry.
He shouldn't treat me this way. I won't let him talk to me like that anymore. It's not fair and it's not nice.