Be still biznatch

"No."

That's essentially what I've told God. He's told me be still and I’ve pretty much screamed “No” like a defiant toddler. Occasionally I'll say "Eh, maybe...alright but only this once." But seldom do I say "Sure!"

There are times when I'm at peace with my life and I'm happy to be still and let God do His thang. But that's only when His plan is going according to my plan. Let’s take now for example. About a month ago I met *Dave. He’s a musician and periodically plays open mic nights at my favorite hangout. The last time I saw him, we connected. He’s funny, intelligent, socially conscious and nerdy; I’d like to get to know him better. We left that night with abstract plans (that was my fault) of "See you next week," and "Yeah, you should come hangout at ___ sometime."

For the past week I couldn’t get him out of my mind. I just wanted to see him. So, last night, like I usually do, I went to open mic to do some homework, "run" into him, and give him my number. To my dismay, he wasn’t there...at least when I was. I left early because of the creepy grandfather figures who continued to proposition endless love-making sessions that made my ovaries shrivel up and want to die.

Our conversations were simple and effortless. I can’t force it, but I also can’t force the thought of him out of my mind. Trust me, I’ve tried. This horoscope probably doesn’t help:

"It's time for whispers, Taurus, for secret thoughts and tender, romantic exchanges. Your own planet, loving Venus herself, has a surprise arranged for you, too. You know how much she loves romance, so prepare yourself for quite the week. You'll definitely need some privacy; well, to be honest, you'll need a lot of privacy, thanks to this lovely lady's plans. Someone you've been thinking about has been thinking of you, too. Together with some startling news from Mercury, the master of communication who will enter Libra and your house of intimate moments this week, you two may actually be able to get together and share those thoughts...."

The next time I see him I have to remember that he’s not feeling the same things I am. I can’t behave as if we’re on the same page. That will just lead to disappointment. I have to try and get to know him better. I just want to make sure this doesn’t fall by the wayside. I’m ready for this. But, I just have to trust God and, for the time being, be still.

Still

I haven't thought about him for awhile. He began dating another -- a friend, and that hurt for a long time. But now, I'm at a place where I 1) don't think of him/them often 2) if I do think of him I may long for him for a moment but then I remember his addiction and how it eats at him and the longing and sorrow pass 3) I think of him for who he is and what we stood for and I'm glad we're not a "we" anymore.

I've begun "dating" again. Although good men are such a commodity that they seem to have an upper hand in this itty bitty town (perhaps state) I call home. I also struggle being here. But I struggle leaving. My life was determined by so much movement for awhile it's been nice to sit and be still. But, then I don't want to be stagnant. I've found a home base which is eerily similar to my safety net from the past, and I'm okay for awhile. I'd like to beef up my savings, and be teetering on the positive end of the financial balance beam before I make a move. I think that's what God wants me to do. Get my savings, credit, and general self together and then walk in the way I should go.