"Going to the chapel...

...with no intentions of getting married"

I'm totally at that point in my life where an impressive percentage of my friends are floating into wedded bliss, promising to float into wedded bliss together, or entering into long-term relationships with the hopes of, yup, floating into wedded bliss.  To be honest, it's freaking me out. I've gone to two weddings in the past few weeks and they've been good to me. Watching my friends say their vows has been wonderful. Their stories are often stories detailed in comic books and fairy tales.

The thought of getting married literally sends me a bubble guts care package.  My stomach urinates acid into my throat, the moisture in my mouth evaporates, and my jaw clenches like a pitbull with a meaty snack.  It could have something to do with only recently learning how develop relationships with men that aren't painted with childhood issues stemming from my horrible relationships with my brother and dad.  Or maybe it's the fact that my first hardcore relationship showed me that there are men who are completely unrelated to me who are just as, if not more, toxic. But I'll leave that to the experts to figure out.

It's not that I don't want to get married. I do.  I think. Just not now.

I can't help but wonder how people got it so right.  How they're at a point in their lives where they can say,  "I want to be with you and no one else foreva' and eva' Amen." Whaaat?! My grandparents have been married for 56 years.  Yahoo! But, there are like three or so illegitimate children sprinkled into the pudding. What? Why?  Seriously is it that hard to say, "I promise to love and uphold and yada yada yada insert wedding vows here," and mean it?  You married that person. Why would you cheat on them? If something is pissing you off, tell them.  If your needs aren't being met emotionally, sexually, board game style or whatever TELL THEM.  Don't cheat. That's not fair, it's not nice.  I'm not sure I can forgive cheating.  It's like unforgivable.  You might say, "Well Jéhan, then you're not ready to get married, love is unconditional." Yeah okay. Then you're right.  I'm not because, hello, cheating can't be filed under the same unconditional love category.

Maybe that's the crux. I'm not ready to say the things I need to say to have the marriage I want.  I'm just not ready.  I'll take that over the constant knocking thought that maybe I'm just not the marrying kind.