And... she's off

I feel like I'm suffocating right now.

This town, despite it's open fields and cow manure smell, is strangling me; so I'm taking a road trip. I'm leaving sometime today and going to Pittsburgh, Cleveland, and ending in Chicago. I need my friends.

I have blankets, my two hiking packs, hiking boots, a synced iPod with great music, a broken heart, warm clothing, cluttered mind, food, a little -- very little money, sleeping bags, a cell phone, a credit card, and my dog. I need to do something for me. I've spent so much time doing for him that I can't take it anymore. I have to breathe.
I have a habit of running from things. I know this, if you know me you know this, but I don't see why not. I don't have a family. My friends are all over the place so, when I need to, I run to them. Other people run or call home to receive soothing words and calming advice. I don't have that.

So, I'm taking this trip for me. I don't want to celebrate Christmas (the Jehovah's Witnesses' got something right) I just want to celebrate life. There should be a word between depressed and suicide. Because I was there. That happy little nook where you feel like your life is over, you know you have something to live for but you're not quite sure what, and feel like tomorrow will never come and the tears will never dry. I've been there. I was looking at properties so I could buy a lot and stay awhile. But, I didn't. I called friends, reached out and people reached back. I thank God for that.

My lack of familial ties can be depressing at times. When I sit and think about how if I died tomorrow my family wouldn't find out until it was in the papers and in most cases not even then; I get a little sad. As a result, I have really high expectations for people I let into my life. That can be a bit much for them, and I'm sorry about that. But thanks for sticking around anyway.
So, here I go. I'm driving hundreds of miles in a car whose radiator flipped shit and left me on the side of the road 7 days ago and whose check engine light was just turned off by a mechanic yesterday. It's a dangerous (and probably stupid) trip but I don't care. I'm ready for the adventure. I'm ready for the journey and, if something really bad happens and I die, I'm ready for that too.

I'll be back though. Something tells me I'm going to experience something wonderful and warm and it will send me back to this little corn-filled town with too few people.
until then....

Fictional characters

I went on a hike with my dog this morning. After my hike I decided I was going to grab breakfast. I pull in and who's there? *Bruno. I see his car so it prepares me. I walk in he's sitting right by the door. He doesn't notice me. I order my food put down my things, he still doesn't notice me. I have to walk by him to pick up my things so (he's furiously writing in his journal) I put my hand on his arm. He looks up (and looks terrified as if he's been caught) and says HEY! almost too excited. I smile, say hi, and walk away. I didn't want us to sit in a restaurant that we both frequented without even saying hi.

I get my things. Sit down and begin to read my mail. He walks over with his jacket on. He says "I have to go meet Poppa Smurf" (an HR guy). I respond with "Uh, okay" why does he feel the need to tell me where he's going? He makes some stupid comment about how my Pumpkin muffin top (the pastry not the disgusting blemish peeking over my jeans) looks like a bagel with a filled in middle (What?! Who says that)? Then repeats "I have to go meet with Poppa Smurf something about my Master's degree." I respond with "Ok..." He's like okay, see ya. By that time I'm not even looking at him. I just want him to go away. Because he's being the Bruno that he was at the River. The awkward Bruno who wants to be intimate but can't be and as a result gets all goofy and ridiculous.

It made me sad.

On my walk with my dog I thought about how this isn't the right time for either of us. I'm not ready to be in a relaionship with him either. I have some shit I need to workout. However, I feel like it needs to be worked out in a relationship -- if that makes any sense. When I'm single I do all the things I need to in order to keep myself healthy. But, when I'm in a relationship I need to find a way to do what I need and get what I need without depending on the person I'm in a relationship with.

I thought about *Mary on my walk too. Well, I thought about her in regards to Bruno. That whole situation makes me sad. The fact that it crippled him is disheartening. I wish he was stronger. It's disheartening in on a global level not just in regards to Bruno and I. I wasn't in the relationship so I don't know her thoughts, but she didn't have the decency to wait. He was hospitalized and alone and she left him. He became an emotional paraplegic instead of rising above. People face harsher events and yet they overcome. He faced this event and dug a tunnel under himself and sought solace.

I don't want someone who's stronger. I want him to be stronger. Is that wrong?

He turns into this person who is the furthest thing from who he is. It's a necessary mask for him to don; I just wish he didn't have to.

*names and faces have been changed because they're unimportant