Eight "I's" and one "When"

I wish I wasn't crazy. I wish I didn't sit here and think about all the ways this could've gone right. Last night, after a conversation about us, out of nowhere he said "Who did you tell? Who from work did you tell?" I can't help but think he wanted to try it again... I know him. I know he did. He wanted to have another go at the same relationship with the same problems. He wanted to prove to me that it wouldn't work. He's right. It won't work because he keeps doing the same things. You can't fake intimacy. That's what he would try and do. He would say "See, we tried -- again -- and it didn't work. No, we didn't try. You pretended to try. Not until you release your fears of hurt will any relationship stand a chance.

When I told him that the next time we broke up it would be forever, I meant it. ... I think. I hope. I know that right now it would be bad. In all honesty, I think it would be bad regardless of when it happened. But I can't help but romanticize our ending. It will happen like Definitely Maybe. We both move on but the move isn't permanent, more like a rental agreement or a sublet. We find each other in the end. Music plays, fade out on passionate embrace.

I know he's not right for me. I remember sitting in his therapist's chair and asking him "So you want me to be more vulnerable? What happens when I become more vulnerable to you? Will you lose respect and cast me aside as you have others?" His therapist said it was a good question. I don't remember his answer -- if he answered. There's not a doubt in my mind that that is what he did -- subconsciously. He's not an evil person and wouldn't have done it on purpose but he still did it and it still hurt.

I think he viewed my vulnerability to him and his actions as weakness. The action of being vulnerable isn't weakness, it's a strength. The act of closing yourself off to intimacy and humanity is the bosom in which weakness lay. I read an article that says when I a guy is ready to marry he is ready. It's not the with whom but the when. He asked me to wait, to be patient and wait. I was more than happy to wait and be patient, but I wasn't willing to do it and receive nothing in return. I wasn't willing to sit in relationship hiatus whilst he figured himself out.

I have to stop using him as a vessel toward my healing. If we keep having these conversations about us and our past it will kill me. Instead of asking myself "Why." I will just ask myself "Why not," and "Why didn't we?" I need to turn to my journal and reflect there rather than with him. But it still hurts so much. I'm haunted by our possibilities. I have to reflect on the relationship using the light of reason against the mirror of self rather than irrational hope against unrealistic expectations.

I don't want him back. I don't want to deal with his neediness, his illness, his depression, his therapy sessions, his hurtful words, his past, his family issues. I don't want that back. I can't stress that enough. What I wanted was his desire to commit to me the way I committed to him. I'm angry that when he was "ready" he was "ready" with the wrong person. I can't help but wonder what we would be like if he was "ready" with me. However, he said he was ready before and he wasn't that marriage died seven months after its birth.

I may regret this; I believe we could have had a very successful and long-lasting relationship. The forever kind. But there's one big snafu. Him. Yes, I know it's a more like a glaring cancer but it's true: He was in the way of us. When he allowed himself to let go of the crap ..the baggage, we were wonderful together. It was when he sat back and over-thought and took inventory of how his love for me was growing that we plummeted rapidly into failure. He is more comfortable living in fear than in happiness as many are, I hate that I fell in love with one of them. He was afraid of leaving the baggage at the check-in desk, boarding the plane and taking hold of the wonders of love. The flight may have been turbulent at times but glorious nonetheless. It is fear that keeps him stranded in the airport on an emotional layover. It is fear that prevents him from forgiving those that hurt him. It is fear to which he is wed and will never divorce. "Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." He's afraid of letting go and being successful because success isn't safe, its worthwhile.

I don't want that. I want someone who is afraid of love but wants it anyway. Someone who recognizes their circumstances and doesn't succumb to them. Someone who is as resilient as me. I don't want to date my twin -- that would be an atrocious failure; two people who lose their keys, forget their phones, and over pack. I want someone who is equally passionate about something, anything. Someone who wants to experience the world with me, not just talk about it. Someone who isn't afraid fighting for what they believe in, fighting for me, fighting for us. I want someone who sees the good and the bad even when the latter outweighs the former and proceeds (with or without caution) anyway. I want someone who knows fear and doubt but isn't crippled by them.

I don't know if that person exists. But, just because my previous "one" wasn't my final "one" doesn't mean I'm going to love at a lesser volume. I'm not going to go looking for love. I'm not going to go looking for me. I've already found both of those things. I'm not interested in looking for anything. I'm interested in the experience.

Happy Chrismahanakwanzucompletelyunnecessary

I don't hate the holidays; I just don't see the point.


When I was 14 my mother became a Jehovah's Witness. As a result we stopped celebrating all holidays and birthdays. It sucked. I no longer got gifts on the days of celebration but around instead. My mother gave me a gift box of nail polish on December 23rd as a gift instead of a present. As the years progressed I grew alienated from both my family and holidays. I went to school on the other side of the state and after graduation moved halfway across the U.S.. I've since celebrated holidays 1) alone 2) with friends or 3) with friend's families. It's more painful to sit with family members who don't belong to you and smile and laugh with them as if they do, than it is to rent movies, cook a "non-festive" meal, and do whatever the hell I want. Except his family was different. I felt welcome, wanted, and at home. I'll miss that.

Just yesterday his mom said I could stay at her place whenever I want -- I don't think I can do that.

I don't understand. People earn money, save money, improve their credit score, apply for more credit only to spend that money, damage that credit score, and eat into their savings for "things." Buying gifts they can't afford and they're not quite sure the recipient will like. Things the world can do without. I don't get it.

So, I spent this past holiday watching movies, eating food, and working from the comfort of my own home with le pup at my side. I liked it. I'd love to spend my holidays that way with someone I love. Doing nothing that involves stress or traveling. Just eating, sleeping and doing nothing. Except maybe a hike. Yes, a hike; I'd like that.

If I were a psychologist I would look at my imaginary case file and say "Ahh, zis (apparently I'd be Eastern European) iz unhnt klassik kase of awfwoidance. As child you experienced mush tkrauma. You are awfwoiding celebrations because it reminds you too mush of your troubled past."

Yes, that is damn right. I'm avoiding my troubled past because it sucks ass. I hate that my family sucks. I kinda wish that I had a great family and a well adjusted childhood. But, I don't and so I have to be a peace with my dysfunctions. Whoever loves me also has to be at peace with them. Because more often than not I appear to be completely normal and well-adjusted. But, sometimes, in the privacy of my own home and the intimacy of my own relationships I lose it. I pity myself, cry, wish for a better past, and mourn the one that never was. I go to a very bad place. But, that's just sometimes. Not often.

I'm glad my dysfunctional familial machine created a strange android such as myself. All-in-all, I like me. I'd be lying if I said I love me, but like will do just fine for now. If I could erase some of the things that happened to me I would -- but not at the expense of who I am. I'd only do it If I could be a better version of myself. And, seeing as though I'm not in control of that I'll stick with the me I have and my Eastern European psychologist can take his imaginary case file and shove it.

Crying is good. My rent is late. Next month's rent will be late. I called my landlord and left this long rambling message about how embarassed I was and I almost cried. Almost. I held in my tears.

He had just walked out the door, and didn't want to cry over him or over us. He got the tv, I got the couch. I didn't watch tv before we were together but I miss it. I wish I had it to fill the space where he once was. To fill my head and heart with thoughts other than my own. Jerry Bruckheimer has good thoughts. I'd like to fill my head with his or even Donald Bellisario's. But, instead, I have my own.

My landlord called back and told me I was being silly. That I didn't have to pay any extra money because I ran short this month. I started to cry. I'd over spent on things I didn't need to compensate for what my relationship wasn't giving me. I sat on the floor and cried because of her kindness. Then I allowed myself to cry over what I really needed to; months and months of bottled tears. Frustrations over us. Frustrations bred by him.

Weary with no time to sleep I sit here craving relief. I am rid of him. I am free. But now, I'm afraid of my potential. "Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." -- Marianne Williamson. I am now free to do whatever I want with my life. The only thing standing in the way is me.

Something new.

My first real relationship ended yesterday. I live in a small town and can't get my mind off of how quickly the word will spread. I don't want it to spread before I have my chance to heal... on my own. Without the pain of everyone else drudging up the past. I just want to get better before everyone knows. We said we'd keep it to ourselves for awhile and I think we can hold true to that.

I'm embarassed. We should've ended it before, but didn't. We kept fighting for what could never and should never be. I'm just glad it was. I'm glad I got to love for the first time. That I got to experience those feelings for the first time. No one can replace those memories. I loved being in a relationship. I loved being loved. He just couldn't love me more than he loved himself. He is so filled with the past that he can't see anything else.

I can. I'm capable to learning and loving and living. Right now it is so painful, but I have my dog and my job, and my future. I have to look to the future. This is good because it's completely empty. Cliched as it is; I'm the one who will write it.

Right now, I have to take a shower put on clothes and try to get on with my life. Because life exists without him and without us.

"I woke up this morning you were the first thing on my mind, don't know where it came from..." Can I Walk With You by India.Arie.

It's hard to get out of bed this morning. Last night was rough. Draining. I've always said that we can make our relationship look however we want. Friends have reminded me that you're going through a lot. I've tried to be sympathetic. I've tried to empathize but you've got so much baggage it makes it hard. I'm trying to be the partner you want me to be when, instead, I think I should be the partner you need me to be. After all:

"Love is a commitment. Love that lasts is a commitment of one imperfect person to another imperfect person. It means that no matter what, I am committed to you and to your growth. I will be what you need me to be – not necessarily what you want me to be. If you need me to be loving and affectionate, I will be loving and affectionate. Or, if for your growth you need me to be tough and firm, I will be tough and firm. Within the bounds of my own imperfections I will always strive to do and be what is best for your growth."

I think I've been the partner you've been wanting me to be rather than the partner you need me to be. Or not. Maybe I am being the partner you need me to be and I'm just not happy with that. I have a lot of thinking I need to do today. I've tried so hard to be patient with you. I've tried so hard to be there for you and that has been met with hostility, anger, and indifference. Care and affection have been crushed by 8 months of bad.

I want to be your partner, but right now I can't. I need more than you can give.

"I saw at sea a great fog bank between two ships that struck and sank..."

My entire life has prepared me for this moment, the moment I've realized failure. Failure in all things. Personal, professional, spiritual, emotional and relational. Everything. I sit here surrounded by the things my mother craves, and currently envies, but none of the things of which I've dreamed. A family. A lover. A child. None of those things are here, nor will they soon come near. I am alone and will be for the forseeable future. Although that future seems bleak.

There is, and has always been a sadness in me...around me. Like a bubble of fog clouding my view of possibilty. I've tried to reach through and others have grasped at my hands but none have stayed connected. I grow weary and let go of their grasp. Its easier to spread my fingers and fall than to clench them and hold on. I have always fought against only to, eventually, succumb to its call. The secession is now.

I've grown tired and need to speak. Not with my lips but, instead, the tips of those outstreached fingers. Hoping that others will hear and feel and share. Hoping. Wanting to no longer be alone.