Obsessed: I don't know Mariah, you tell me.

Really?  You think this is productive?  I wish he wouldn't have asked for my last name. I wish he wouldn't have given me his.  That just leads to unnecessary Google temptation.

I'm home sick from work today. Awesome. NOT. I'm bored as hell. So I'm sitting here with my laptop and phone.  That's a dangerous combination.  For awhile it was on silent because "...what if he called but didn't leave a message?  How would I know?"  I'm a moron. I'm obsessed.  Queue insane rationalization in 5...4...3...2..1...

I don't "click" with a lot of men.  I get along with almost everyone I meet, but when it comes to an emotional and sexual connection it doesn't happen often. When it does, look out.   I wish I wasn't this way. Growing up I was never that girl that guys swooned over.  I've always been able to attract older men but that's more creepy than it is flattering.  I've never had men come up to me and praise me for my good looks and feminine figure.  So, when I meet someone who appears to be as into me as I am into them I get excited. I can't help it.  It's like asking the villagers from  The Gods Must be Crazy not to treat the Coke bottle like the latest Tickle me Elmo during Christmas.

So there, I said it. Or rather hinted at it.  Men don't usually find me attractive, and when they do I'm in rare form.  I've tried not to sit by the phone, but it's hard.  I think I could really like this guy.  Also, I've been enduring a dry spell for oh say about a year or so....  :(  I wish guys had a bullshit-o-meter.  "I'm just asking you for your number so I can feel good about myself," but he didn't feel like that. He felt like he asked to exchange numbers as a result of genuine interest and desire to get to know me.  Perhaps I should take solace in that final thought.  He was attracted to me enough to flirt and get my number.  I should just accept it for the compliment it is and move on. Oy, easier typed than believed.

Update: 11/2/2009

I was too impatient to wait for him to call me so I called him on Saturday.  He didn't pick up (Thank God).  He called me back later that day. He was at a gig and called me during the break.  We're going to get together Thursday (and Wednesday too).  I can't say that I'm excited because it's not like roller coaster ride excited. My stomach isn't turning in knots, my hands aren't sweaty.  That part is over.

I think I get nervous during the "first" stage because that's when you judge people on the physical aspect and that's not something with which I'm comfortable.  However, in this stage the "I wonder if our personalities click" part I'm a bit more confident.  I like my personality and if he doesn't well, there's not thing I can do about it.  If only I had the confidence to adopt that mentality with every other part of my life.

Nothing but smiles

Giggling. Yes, I'm giggling.

I went out tonight.  Wasn't like other nights just decided to go out. I put make-up on.  Wore a cute outfit, put a book in my yoga bag, grabbed my camera and headed for my favorite hangout.

Whaddya know, Seth was there.   :)

We like ran into each other and were both caught off-guard. Finally, when he was away from his friends and I was talking to the Open Mic host in a close vicinity to him and I eventually walked over and was like "Sooo, what were you doing in LA?"  We started talking.  It took a minute for us to remember the familiarity of before, but no longer than that.

We chatted and flirted.  He put started playing with my belt....it was cute. He was cute. We were cute.

I'd forgotten the feeling of flirtation...of mutual respect...of intellectual stimulation. He's smart. He has a great relationship with his friend that traveled cross country. Eventually, his friend asked if he wanted to go to their other hangout (he did this like three times and it wasn't until the final time that he acquiesced. Gave me a hug and mentioned that we should exchange numbers.

It didn't feel like exchanging numbers though.  It felt normal. Like hey we're going to get together but I need your number for that so let's make it happen.  It didn't feel like it did with Ricardo.  With him, I felt nervous. With Seth, it felt natural.

I enjoyed tonight.  I'm glad it happened. To the forces that allowed it to occur I say thanks.

I'll chalk this up to irony, but this was apart of my horoscope.  A bit eerie if you ask me:

"For the unattached Taurus on October 28, with the planet of love in good aspect to the planet of luck, there could be an encounter with someone who holds the key to your future happiness."

Vetting by the Adolescent Relationship Commission

Allowing myself to experience what I felt yesterday has made today wonderful.  I awoke, took a shower, chased silly negative, self-defeating and poisoning thoughts out of my head and went on a search to volunteer. I discovered the Keystone Trail Association and their looking for a director for their summer trail crew program.  I think that will give me some experience I need.

While doing research my thoughts went back to things of the past.  Kids have been asking questions -- as they so often do-- and I know it's only a matter of time before I'm placed in the uncomfortable situation of having to respond.  His response has been evasive.  To tell you the truth that's hurtful.  He's pretending like we didn't exist. However, when I put myself in his shoes I can empathize.  He feels like a failure and it probably seems a bit smarmy that he dated two women at his workplace (make no mistake, it is) but he doesn't want to deal with that so he might as well pretend like we never happened; avoid us and we will go away.

I'm not going to avoid us.  That just creates lies and I'd rather face it head on. So, here's my response if it's ever needed:

Yes, we dated briefly during the first year.  But that's not the point. I think the point is that Mr. [Blank] and Miss [Blank] discovered their love for one another and now they're happy. So rather than dwell on the past let's just rejoice in the fact that they found each other. Let's just be happy for them.

With that as my response I can already feel heart freedom.  It feels light.  I'm not going to deny our relationship to students because I think they need to see that not all relationships work out.  Now, if my mentees from the first year  ask I'll be more specific and honest with them, but still provide them age appropriate knowledge. I will not lie.

I never thought I'd have to do this.

I wrote one of my first blog entries almost a year ago detailing the ensuing demise of our relationship.  Honestly, I wish it was the relationship that we wanted it to be.  But it wasn't. When you date an addict, you date a selfish emotionally unavailable person.  When you date him without his addiction, you date a selfish emotionally unavailable person. Two-fold was too much.  I'm happy that I'm free of him. Not happy that I'm single though.  I'd like someone to laugh with, cook for,  and spend time with. It will come. I just have to be patient and we all know, I'm no good at that.   :) However, I'm free to have a healthy relationship, and if you don't know, I'm good at that.

The day's requirings

I will get out of bed today. I will be grateful for what I have and not envious for what I lack. I will laugh at my dog and his humanesque traits. I will find joy in my students and my job.

I will make myself presentable even though I'd rather not. I will be the woman others need me to be until I can sit in solace and be the woman I need to be.

"Life is a journey, not a destination"

 I wish that forgiveness was a once and done thing, but it's not.  It's a choice you have to make daily and somedays are easier than others...some people are easier to forgive than others. It may be a bit selfish to say but, ultimately, the forgivers are the ones who benefit most and that makes all the difference.


Rough day all around. Made a few calls. Sat in my car and cried. Life is the most difficult thing I've ever done.  I'm grateful that one day it will be over.

Femininity my ass

Hold the mutha effin phone. I've been browsing the internet ( I should get my behind out of bed to tell you the truth) when I found this blog.  It's a bunch of people talking about how ugly black women with tattoos are.   How tattoos make them look unfeminine, unattractive and trashy.  What the hell ever.  Black man, I haven't been feminine and attractive to you since the day I was born.  Why are you allowed to define my femininity?

I'm getting this tattoo, not in rebellion, but in celebration.  I have been alone most of my life.  Every person who was supposed to love and care for me didn't.  The ones who have are a Godsend.  I found an amazing artist who is going to help me accomplish something I've wanted for a long time. I seldom do things because they make me more attractive to others.  When I have, it has lit my ass on fire like an inflamed hemorrhoid.

I've gotta do me.  I will be known as Dr. _____ someday.  I will have a beautiful phoenix half sleeve tattoo. I am beautiful. Having these things doesn't not detract from that.   Having them does not add to that. They are yet another element of who I am.

Option-less

Feast and famine are first cousins.

There was Ricardo. We went on one date and I couldn't bring myself to go out again.  I just didn't get the right vibe.  I felt like it was all staged. Very bootycall-esque.  He said the right things did the right things, but when it came down to it, I don't think he came away from it knowing, or wanting to much about me as a person.

Then Seth, I guess I'll never see him again.  I'm getting weary of HMAC and I think I'll take a break for a bit.  He hasn't been there when I've been there so...I'm kinda over it. Disappointed, but over it nonetheless.

Then there was The Needle Man.  I'm getting that awesome tattoo and he was totally flirting with me.  However, I'm going to chalk it up to harmless flirting and move on. Why, pray-tell? I did some google stalking and he's taken.  Like about to walk down the aisle of doom taken. Oh, well.

Maybe I need to find a new hangout, maybe I need to stop hanging out and work on Ph.D/Ed.D stuff.  I figure it's good to work on my essays now even though it's three years down the road.  I found a school where the GRE score doesn't count and they're pining for women of color.  $$$Caching$$$

There were many, and now there are none. Go figure.

I need to shower, go grocery shopping, and get busy. I'm bored, but what's new.

Be still biznatch

"No."

That's essentially what I've told God. He's told me be still and I’ve pretty much screamed “No” like a defiant toddler. Occasionally I'll say "Eh, maybe...alright but only this once." But seldom do I say "Sure!"

There are times when I'm at peace with my life and I'm happy to be still and let God do His thang. But that's only when His plan is going according to my plan. Let’s take now for example. About a month ago I met *Dave. He’s a musician and periodically plays open mic nights at my favorite hangout. The last time I saw him, we connected. He’s funny, intelligent, socially conscious and nerdy; I’d like to get to know him better. We left that night with abstract plans (that was my fault) of "See you next week," and "Yeah, you should come hangout at ___ sometime."

For the past week I couldn’t get him out of my mind. I just wanted to see him. So, last night, like I usually do, I went to open mic to do some homework, "run" into him, and give him my number. To my dismay, he wasn’t there...at least when I was. I left early because of the creepy grandfather figures who continued to proposition endless love-making sessions that made my ovaries shrivel up and want to die.

Our conversations were simple and effortless. I can’t force it, but I also can’t force the thought of him out of my mind. Trust me, I’ve tried. This horoscope probably doesn’t help:

"It's time for whispers, Taurus, for secret thoughts and tender, romantic exchanges. Your own planet, loving Venus herself, has a surprise arranged for you, too. You know how much she loves romance, so prepare yourself for quite the week. You'll definitely need some privacy; well, to be honest, you'll need a lot of privacy, thanks to this lovely lady's plans. Someone you've been thinking about has been thinking of you, too. Together with some startling news from Mercury, the master of communication who will enter Libra and your house of intimate moments this week, you two may actually be able to get together and share those thoughts...."

The next time I see him I have to remember that he’s not feeling the same things I am. I can’t behave as if we’re on the same page. That will just lead to disappointment. I have to try and get to know him better. I just want to make sure this doesn’t fall by the wayside. I’m ready for this. But, I just have to trust God and, for the time being, be still.