Maternal

For the first time in my life, I awoke with a feeling of connection.  I’d had a dream that I was pregnant and gave birth to a baby girl.  Her hair was straight and black; she was part Asian, she looked older than a newborn and she was screaming as they pulled her away from me. Inside I remember feeling calm.  Taking solace in the knowledge that no matter where she was, we would be linked.

Then I was in a cafeteria of sorts.  I dreamt that there were pictures of the nurses taking her away from me on all of the walls.  I asked the people eating lunch if they’d seen her. Initially, they all answered no. Then, after a half an hour I was making rounds again and they all admitted that they’d seen her a half an hour ago.   It felt like I was in some sort of time continuum.  I wouldn’t stop searching, but no one would help me look for her.  No one else was concerned that she was missing. 

Just before I woke up a different part of the room appeared.  I was on my way to search in that direction when I woke up.  I felt sad. I wanted to hold her in my arms, to be her parent, but the opportunity never presented itself. 

I want to be a parent.  Not now perhaps, but eventually, soon.   I had a great Christmas.  My phone was off, I cleaned my apartment, hung out with my dog made the largest breakfast I’d make for myself in years.  I just learned how to make potato latkes.  AMAZING.  If I do have a family I want our Christmases to be something similar. Low-key but family oriented. No tree. No lights, no decorations.  Just a day where we rejoice that we’re in each other’s lives.  I’d like that very much.

Pillar

Today will be one of the toughest days of my life.  There's a lot going on at work.  I have papers due for grad school and the weather outside is damn miserable.  I'm seriously crossing Minnesota off my list for Ed.D programs because I guarantee I won't be able to handle the effing weather; -30 actual temp is about as desirable as a childhood diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis and ARPKD.

We're having a reunion of sorts for the girls today.  All three years combined. In one place. In this weather. AWESOME.

They're gonna ask me questions about he and I and now she and I and she and he. I don't know if it's better to bring it up myself, and get it over with, or leave it be and take care of it when one of them brings it up.

Today will be difficult not because of one thing, but because of kaleidoscope life I'm living.  I want desperately to be held and told "All will be fine." Not good, not great, but fine.  That's all I want. I've done the holding and mothering, mentoring, and sistering, but not the partnering.  I want to lay in his arms and feel what I'm feeling and not talk about it. Not yet.  Lay and laugh, or cry whichever tickles my fancy. I want to know that someone is there.  I know God is "there" or "here" or "wherever." That's not enough for me.  That's probably blasphemous to say, but it doesn't change how I feel.

I want to weep and cry.  I will, trust me.  I want to fall and sob, and I will. I'll pick myself up "weary and bruised to the bone," but I want help getting up.  A totem-pole of strength on which to brace myself till I can stand fully erect.  I need that, but for now, as usual, I will do it on my own.

Arizona

 San Francisco by Brett Dennen

Go if you want to go
But I won't follow
Just so you know
Leave if you need to leave
But I won't be here
I wont be here when you come home

I'm gonna to move to San Francisco
Look up some old friends
I'm gonna get me a navy pea coat
And an old Mercedes Benz

This old town it keeps shrinking
There's too many people in my junk
I'm gonna do a lot of drinking
Cause it don't hurt when I'm drunk

Chorus

I'm gonna rent me an old Victorian
Down in the Lower Haight
I'm gonna find me an old accordion
Play for the tourists on the golden gate

I'm gonna plant a garden
Paint my bathroom blue
I'm gonna try real hard
To get over you

Here in the city life doesn't move so slow
There's plenty of good people I know
Up in north beach they drink spicy Italian liqueur
Down on market there's a lot of hobos and the hustlers

Down in Hayes Valley, there's a lot of real good restaurants
Deep in the tenderloin you can get anything you want
Over in the mission it's always a sunny day
It's a real good baseball town but my team is across the bay

I feel the need to just go.

If I had to write a personal ad this is probably what it would look like a la the Stephanie Klein format:

I hate the ways Chacos look.  I think they make your feet look swollen.  I'd rather be outdoors climbing a mountain or skiing down a slope, but I need someone to show me how.  I enjoy backpacking through difficult terrain because of the journey not the overlook.  I don't talk when I hike probably because I'm trying to catch my breath.  I have so much of something sleeping inside me and theatre is the only safe conduit for it's electricity when it slips from hibernation. I laugh loud and often, its my favorite thing to do. I'll cook for you and your friends, and your friends friends and their family as long as you look me in the eye after your first bite and tell me that you like it.  I want kids... I don't care the order, or how many, but I want the chance to build a family of my own. I blow my nose more often than I breathe and sometimes the tissues don't always make it to the trash can on the first or third try. I don't shower everyday. I enjoy camping because the inaccessibility of a bathroom allows me to be just as dirty as I like being.  l have too many pillows on my bed and get frustrated in the middle of the night when they're suffocating me . I have to sleep with something against my back and I'd prefer you over a pillow.  I love vodka tonics with orange flavored vodka. I am still amazed at things like sex and alcohol because I was raised to believe that they're wrong and one shouldn't indulge in them without the proper supervision -- or at all.

You would make me feel safe.   This world magnifies my personality to make it larger than life and describes it as intimidating , but you understand it's because I've had to create a little bit of everyone I love in myself because my "real" family left a long time ago.  You'd let me read in your company. You doing what you do, watching tv, or on the computer or reading , but you'd drape your arm over my shoulder and let me lean against you as I read or solved a crossword puzzle (which I don't do) or Sudoku (which I haven't done in years). But you'd let me do what I do quietly and be okay not being the certain of my attention. You'd lead me through crowds by holding my hand and paving the way...not because I can't walk or lead myself, but because I feel safer when you do.  You are well aware of your emotions, feelings and are able and comfortable to express them when the times comes... no matter how ugly or pleasant you're not afraid to let me see who you are. You're comfortable sourcing your life from something that has nothing to do with me. You're aware of a God that created us and define It according to your understanding, not someone else's.   You'd laugh with me during the most difficult time in either or both of our lives with the understanding that our journey's are separate, we just choose to bike through them together. You pick up whenever I call if you can. You communicate without me having to walk you through the process.  You tell me I'm wrong kindly and gently, but stand your ground if its something you believe and you're unafraid when I challenge that view.

We laugh. We experience life together with knowing looks, smiles and beneath the table knee connections.  We are together for a very long time probably till death, but that sounds cliche and has been kidnapped by a faulty selfish institution so I'm afraid to say it...but it's what I mean.

An old friend

We had lunch yesterday.  We arrived at the same time. I was able to see him walking into the restaurant first which was nice. It didn't make my weird feelings go away, but I felt like I'd cheated and gotten a leg up somehow.  

I walked in as he was being seated.  He saw me, but didn't recognize me at first....  He looked the exact same, just a bit older.  No eyebrow ring. His hair was longer, but physically, he looked the same.  They sat us at this oddly shaped table and it was like we can sit here and be "that couple" that sits next to each other on a date -- which this was not, or we could be King and Queen enjoying a feast and sit at opposite ends of the table from one another.  We chose somewhere in between.  Close enough to talk and prop our legs up on the seat, but far enough so physical contact was minimal.

I'd prefer to not do the dissecting thing.  Where I overanalyze EVERY aspect of this "meeting." Drive myself nuts, and eventually get disappointed. I want to chock this up to a great reunion with an old friend.  Which, I think is what that was.  While we were on the ship I had a ridiculous crush on him.  Ridiculous.  We're in an impossible situation right now... I say that as if there is even a "we" or "situation."  I'm just antsy to move on by dating other people.  Any single male that I'm around is pretty much fair game at this point.  

We talked about who we are now, who we were, and he remembered things about me that I'd forgotten long ago.  I realized how much I missed him. I missed how comfortable I felt around him.  How it was okay for me to be excited and passionate and silly.  He made fun of me for little things, I was nervous at first, but things fell into place.  I couldn't ignore that old crush’s second cousin that showed up for a surprise visit.  He’s cute and he reminds me of Marty… he still reminds me of Marty. 

I’m at a difficult place in my life.  I’ve fully moved on from a very serious, crazily unhealthy relationship. I’ve dated other guys who appeared to have potential, but did not.  I’m ready for something.  When I see babies I do the whole “biological clock is ticking” coo and long for one of my own. But, I’m not there yet.  I’m not ready for a heavy-duty relationship.  I am, however, ready to be attractive to someone again.  To have someone look at me with longing and sincerity… to have someone look at me and see me.  It’s been far too long, but that’s my fault. I can be over cautious. 

Emotionally, I’m tender and bruised. I can’t help but feel betrayed by two people I cared about.  I feel that they could’ve been more mindful of exactly what their decisions would do to me. But, because of how sinister one can be and the naïveté the other tends toward, they’re incapable of understanding exactly why, how much, and what exactly hurt me.   As a result, I’m being far too mindful of what others need and how I could possibly hurt someone else. I’m overcompensating by looking too far into far too many nooks and crannies of the future.  I want to live my life as carefree and happily as I’d always intended. But I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t think our joys are supposed to be at the expense of others.   Is it possible to be in a relationship that doesn’t hurt? Where anger,jealousy, and mistrust aren’t the prevailing sentiments?  I’ve only had that with my female friends.  It’s an unfamiliar tendency in regards to the opposite sex, hence my over analysis of minutiae.  Is it possible for someone to fall in love with me and I them and for no one to lay singed and broken?

Family portrait

The key to attracting people, either romantically or platonically, is confidence.  Making friends is, more often than not, easy for me because I have confidence in my ability to hold a conversation.  I'm intellectually curious, high energy, and pretty open-minded.  It's not particularly necessary to be confident in your physical beauty when attracting friends.  At least not the friends I want to attract. 

It is, however, necessary to have a certain amount of confidence in your physical beauty when seeking a relationship.  

I look like my parents. 

I hate them for what they've done to me and put me through.  It's difficult and damn near impossible for me to see beauty in myself when they are all I see when I look in the mirror.  I want to scratch out my eyes, claw at my cheeks, and cover my forehead in glass.  I can't seem to get over seeing such wretched people daily.  They hurt me and to resemble that is torture.  I've dealt with the emotional pain.  But, how do I forgive them to the degree that I can find my own image attractive?  Is that possible?

How can I be confident while portraying the face of the two nastiest people I've ever known?

I guess I'll just have to feign confidence till then.

Ashes to ashes

Another one bites the dust.

There will be others.

continuing

It's impossible to start over.  Regardless of intent, we enter into situations with prior knowledge.  We can't help but approach situations with the clarity or baggage of before.  

 I'm not naive enough to think that starting over with dating is possible.  I've learned what it is about me that's attractive to others.  I'm going to highlight those attributes with the hopes of attracting someone.   I know what I don't like about men. I'm not going to approach gentlemen who have the characteristics of someone I know I'm not attracted to.  I've learned enough about dating to realize that everyone is different and that everything doesn't work out like fairy tales.  

Fighting for everything I have has presented me with the, often forgotten, clarity that everything worth having is worth fighting for.  Friends have said that love is "easy."  It won't be for me.  Nothing for me is easy.... Nothing will ever be easy.   I'm not the girl who a man notices in a sea or beauty, singles out, and begins to "court."  That's just not my story.  I would like it to be because I want to feel valued.  I feel valued when people pursue me.  But its not that easy.  Nothing for me is easy.  

It's officially depression sans the emotional kickback

“A recession is when your neighbor loses his job; a depression is when you lose yours.” Reagan/Truman


If that's the case, then I'm truly depressed... but I'm not.  My steps are ordered. I will walk in the way I am to walk. 


The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
 for his name's sake.
 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, ^[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
 your rod and your staff, 
 they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

Bring It On.  

I've been through so much worse.

Take me or leave me

Giving it till Thursday and if I don't hear from him by then I will conclude he's not interested.  I could rattle off statements which affirm me and belittle him, but I'd be a liar. I like(d) him.  He's nice person.  It appeared as though he was interested.   

A deadline gives my heart permission to stop caring.  It's hard when the person you'd like to be in a relationship with, or at least get to know better, doesn't reciprocate your feelings.  Especially when your ex is engaged to your friend whom he lusted after during most of your relationship.  It kinda messes with your self worth.

When I was with Seth and even Ricardo I didn't think about him. I seldom think about them, but they were the furthest thing from my mind when it appeared that I was going to be involved in something very good in the near future.  But now that I feel like a failure -- I know I'm not -- I tend to analyze what I keep getting wrong and they've gotten so right.

Work also exhausted me this weekend. I'm running on low and need to rejuvenate myself.  I keep getting up early and it's depleted my life source.  I refuse to ignore how I feel today. I will welcome it with a bowed head and open arms.  "Here I am world beat me up if you so desire. I will take it like a fat kid takes a punch. I'll play dead for a minute or two, but then I'll get up when I think the danger is gone and hustle home for supper."

even if i never see you again i'm glad tonight happened.

I felt comfortable with you.  Honest laughter squirted from my lips and surprised me more than you.  Perhaps feeding your ego  whilst releasing me from bondage of one previous.  You asked questions about my life and family and shared, briefly information of your own.  You hesitated to divulge details but I sensed a desire.  

We sat on my couch watching a movie I've seen several times  and I love how when our bodies connected you didn't move.  I wanted to feel your hand on my back. I wanted to know for sure. I wanted a purposeful position of an appendage but settled for what you offered; refusal to remove whichever body part touched mine.  When my head lingered near your shoulder you allowed a relative stranger to invade your space as I did.  

You paid indirect and direct compliments. So polite. So kind. So genuine.  I thought of only you and no one else. That is an accomplishment in and of itself.  I enjoyed your company. You existed without me pulling you from inside yourself. You allowed me to exist as meek as I wanted and as interesting as I could be.  I was myself with you tonight.  A self that has been hurt and scarred and is wary of those she meets.  It felt good to exist with the accomplishments from my own resume and not try and compete with yours. You allowed me to exist. You allowed my effortless self to stand or sit or kneel or lay next to you during the brief time.  

This was a success because I'm starting to see and understand that a relationship doesn't have to be built on sex or lust. It's possible for it to be built of friendship and chivalry.  You were nice to me and I want(ed) to be nice to you.  I enjoyed myself and I'm hoping that you did too.  If not, I'm okay with that.... because I've healed enough to know that what I'm feeling is okay on it's own.

I should be sleeping

It's 5:54 in the morning and I'm awake.  I haven't been sleeping well for the past week.

My body has always manifested stress in a way that interrupts my slumber.    I have a crush-- it takes away sleep. I'm stressed at work - I get my period and it takes away sleep. There's a bit of a pattern.

I had a dream that I was weird.  Once I awoke, I realized that where I'm at is too small for me.  I don't mean "I'm so amazing and this place can't hold me." No, eh eh.  I have unconventional ideas and beliefs and I haven't found anyone here who I can identify with. As a result, this place is too small for me.  I'd like to move out west somewhere.  For some reason I feel that's where the people with the big ideas live.  Probably not. There probably right here and I just need to find them.

Obsessed: I don't know Mariah, you tell me.

Really?  You think this is productive?  I wish he wouldn't have asked for my last name. I wish he wouldn't have given me his.  That just leads to unnecessary Google temptation.

I'm home sick from work today. Awesome. NOT. I'm bored as hell. So I'm sitting here with my laptop and phone.  That's a dangerous combination.  For awhile it was on silent because "...what if he called but didn't leave a message?  How would I know?"  I'm a moron. I'm obsessed.  Queue insane rationalization in 5...4...3...2..1...

I don't "click" with a lot of men.  I get along with almost everyone I meet, but when it comes to an emotional and sexual connection it doesn't happen often. When it does, look out.   I wish I wasn't this way. Growing up I was never that girl that guys swooned over.  I've always been able to attract older men but that's more creepy than it is flattering.  I've never had men come up to me and praise me for my good looks and feminine figure.  So, when I meet someone who appears to be as into me as I am into them I get excited. I can't help it.  It's like asking the villagers from  The Gods Must be Crazy not to treat the Coke bottle like the latest Tickle me Elmo during Christmas.

So there, I said it. Or rather hinted at it.  Men don't usually find me attractive, and when they do I'm in rare form.  I've tried not to sit by the phone, but it's hard.  I think I could really like this guy.  Also, I've been enduring a dry spell for oh say about a year or so....  :(  I wish guys had a bullshit-o-meter.  "I'm just asking you for your number so I can feel good about myself," but he didn't feel like that. He felt like he asked to exchange numbers as a result of genuine interest and desire to get to know me.  Perhaps I should take solace in that final thought.  He was attracted to me enough to flirt and get my number.  I should just accept it for the compliment it is and move on. Oy, easier typed than believed.

Update: 11/2/2009

I was too impatient to wait for him to call me so I called him on Saturday.  He didn't pick up (Thank God).  He called me back later that day. He was at a gig and called me during the break.  We're going to get together Thursday (and Wednesday too).  I can't say that I'm excited because it's not like roller coaster ride excited. My stomach isn't turning in knots, my hands aren't sweaty.  That part is over.

I think I get nervous during the "first" stage because that's when you judge people on the physical aspect and that's not something with which I'm comfortable.  However, in this stage the "I wonder if our personalities click" part I'm a bit more confident.  I like my personality and if he doesn't well, there's not thing I can do about it.  If only I had the confidence to adopt that mentality with every other part of my life.

Nothing but smiles

Giggling. Yes, I'm giggling.

I went out tonight.  Wasn't like other nights just decided to go out. I put make-up on.  Wore a cute outfit, put a book in my yoga bag, grabbed my camera and headed for my favorite hangout.

Whaddya know, Seth was there.   :)

We like ran into each other and were both caught off-guard. Finally, when he was away from his friends and I was talking to the Open Mic host in a close vicinity to him and I eventually walked over and was like "Sooo, what were you doing in LA?"  We started talking.  It took a minute for us to remember the familiarity of before, but no longer than that.

We chatted and flirted.  He put started playing with my belt....it was cute. He was cute. We were cute.

I'd forgotten the feeling of flirtation...of mutual respect...of intellectual stimulation. He's smart. He has a great relationship with his friend that traveled cross country. Eventually, his friend asked if he wanted to go to their other hangout (he did this like three times and it wasn't until the final time that he acquiesced. Gave me a hug and mentioned that we should exchange numbers.

It didn't feel like exchanging numbers though.  It felt normal. Like hey we're going to get together but I need your number for that so let's make it happen.  It didn't feel like it did with Ricardo.  With him, I felt nervous. With Seth, it felt natural.

I enjoyed tonight.  I'm glad it happened. To the forces that allowed it to occur I say thanks.

I'll chalk this up to irony, but this was apart of my horoscope.  A bit eerie if you ask me:

"For the unattached Taurus on October 28, with the planet of love in good aspect to the planet of luck, there could be an encounter with someone who holds the key to your future happiness."

Vetting by the Adolescent Relationship Commission

Allowing myself to experience what I felt yesterday has made today wonderful.  I awoke, took a shower, chased silly negative, self-defeating and poisoning thoughts out of my head and went on a search to volunteer. I discovered the Keystone Trail Association and their looking for a director for their summer trail crew program.  I think that will give me some experience I need.

While doing research my thoughts went back to things of the past.  Kids have been asking questions -- as they so often do-- and I know it's only a matter of time before I'm placed in the uncomfortable situation of having to respond.  His response has been evasive.  To tell you the truth that's hurtful.  He's pretending like we didn't exist. However, when I put myself in his shoes I can empathize.  He feels like a failure and it probably seems a bit smarmy that he dated two women at his workplace (make no mistake, it is) but he doesn't want to deal with that so he might as well pretend like we never happened; avoid us and we will go away.

I'm not going to avoid us.  That just creates lies and I'd rather face it head on. So, here's my response if it's ever needed:

Yes, we dated briefly during the first year.  But that's not the point. I think the point is that Mr. [Blank] and Miss [Blank] discovered their love for one another and now they're happy. So rather than dwell on the past let's just rejoice in the fact that they found each other. Let's just be happy for them.

With that as my response I can already feel heart freedom.  It feels light.  I'm not going to deny our relationship to students because I think they need to see that not all relationships work out.  Now, if my mentees from the first year  ask I'll be more specific and honest with them, but still provide them age appropriate knowledge. I will not lie.

I never thought I'd have to do this.

I wrote one of my first blog entries almost a year ago detailing the ensuing demise of our relationship.  Honestly, I wish it was the relationship that we wanted it to be.  But it wasn't. When you date an addict, you date a selfish emotionally unavailable person.  When you date him without his addiction, you date a selfish emotionally unavailable person. Two-fold was too much.  I'm happy that I'm free of him. Not happy that I'm single though.  I'd like someone to laugh with, cook for,  and spend time with. It will come. I just have to be patient and we all know, I'm no good at that.   :) However, I'm free to have a healthy relationship, and if you don't know, I'm good at that.

The day's requirings

I will get out of bed today. I will be grateful for what I have and not envious for what I lack. I will laugh at my dog and his humanesque traits. I will find joy in my students and my job.

I will make myself presentable even though I'd rather not. I will be the woman others need me to be until I can sit in solace and be the woman I need to be.

"Life is a journey, not a destination"

 I wish that forgiveness was a once and done thing, but it's not.  It's a choice you have to make daily and somedays are easier than others...some people are easier to forgive than others. It may be a bit selfish to say but, ultimately, the forgivers are the ones who benefit most and that makes all the difference.


Rough day all around. Made a few calls. Sat in my car and cried. Life is the most difficult thing I've ever done.  I'm grateful that one day it will be over.

Femininity my ass

Hold the mutha effin phone. I've been browsing the internet ( I should get my behind out of bed to tell you the truth) when I found this blog.  It's a bunch of people talking about how ugly black women with tattoos are.   How tattoos make them look unfeminine, unattractive and trashy.  What the hell ever.  Black man, I haven't been feminine and attractive to you since the day I was born.  Why are you allowed to define my femininity?

I'm getting this tattoo, not in rebellion, but in celebration.  I have been alone most of my life.  Every person who was supposed to love and care for me didn't.  The ones who have are a Godsend.  I found an amazing artist who is going to help me accomplish something I've wanted for a long time. I seldom do things because they make me more attractive to others.  When I have, it has lit my ass on fire like an inflamed hemorrhoid.

I've gotta do me.  I will be known as Dr. _____ someday.  I will have a beautiful phoenix half sleeve tattoo. I am beautiful. Having these things doesn't not detract from that.   Having them does not add to that. They are yet another element of who I am.

Option-less

Feast and famine are first cousins.

There was Ricardo. We went on one date and I couldn't bring myself to go out again.  I just didn't get the right vibe.  I felt like it was all staged. Very bootycall-esque.  He said the right things did the right things, but when it came down to it, I don't think he came away from it knowing, or wanting to much about me as a person.

Then Seth, I guess I'll never see him again.  I'm getting weary of HMAC and I think I'll take a break for a bit.  He hasn't been there when I've been there so...I'm kinda over it. Disappointed, but over it nonetheless.

Then there was The Needle Man.  I'm getting that awesome tattoo and he was totally flirting with me.  However, I'm going to chalk it up to harmless flirting and move on. Why, pray-tell? I did some google stalking and he's taken.  Like about to walk down the aisle of doom taken. Oh, well.

Maybe I need to find a new hangout, maybe I need to stop hanging out and work on Ph.D/Ed.D stuff.  I figure it's good to work on my essays now even though it's three years down the road.  I found a school where the GRE score doesn't count and they're pining for women of color.  $$$Caching$$$

There were many, and now there are none. Go figure.

I need to shower, go grocery shopping, and get busy. I'm bored, but what's new.

Be still biznatch

"No."

That's essentially what I've told God. He's told me be still and I’ve pretty much screamed “No” like a defiant toddler. Occasionally I'll say "Eh, maybe...alright but only this once." But seldom do I say "Sure!"

There are times when I'm at peace with my life and I'm happy to be still and let God do His thang. But that's only when His plan is going according to my plan. Let’s take now for example. About a month ago I met *Dave. He’s a musician and periodically plays open mic nights at my favorite hangout. The last time I saw him, we connected. He’s funny, intelligent, socially conscious and nerdy; I’d like to get to know him better. We left that night with abstract plans (that was my fault) of "See you next week," and "Yeah, you should come hangout at ___ sometime."

For the past week I couldn’t get him out of my mind. I just wanted to see him. So, last night, like I usually do, I went to open mic to do some homework, "run" into him, and give him my number. To my dismay, he wasn’t there...at least when I was. I left early because of the creepy grandfather figures who continued to proposition endless love-making sessions that made my ovaries shrivel up and want to die.

Our conversations were simple and effortless. I can’t force it, but I also can’t force the thought of him out of my mind. Trust me, I’ve tried. This horoscope probably doesn’t help:

"It's time for whispers, Taurus, for secret thoughts and tender, romantic exchanges. Your own planet, loving Venus herself, has a surprise arranged for you, too. You know how much she loves romance, so prepare yourself for quite the week. You'll definitely need some privacy; well, to be honest, you'll need a lot of privacy, thanks to this lovely lady's plans. Someone you've been thinking about has been thinking of you, too. Together with some startling news from Mercury, the master of communication who will enter Libra and your house of intimate moments this week, you two may actually be able to get together and share those thoughts...."

The next time I see him I have to remember that he’s not feeling the same things I am. I can’t behave as if we’re on the same page. That will just lead to disappointment. I have to try and get to know him better. I just want to make sure this doesn’t fall by the wayside. I’m ready for this. But, I just have to trust God and, for the time being, be still.

I am the umpire

I called it: They're engaged.

My friends all called me to make sure that I knew before I came blindly into work; I'm grateful for my friends.

I feel badly for her. I can't fathom surviving in a marriage such as theirs. But I don't have to, because I won't have one such as theirs.

I'll have my own someday. The thought of that makes me smile.

For now, I'm driving to Carlisle to talk about my Phoenix tattoo.

I'm grateful for every single thing that has happened in my life.

Still

I haven't thought about him for awhile. He began dating another -- a friend, and that hurt for a long time. But now, I'm at a place where I 1) don't think of him/them often 2) if I do think of him I may long for him for a moment but then I remember his addiction and how it eats at him and the longing and sorrow pass 3) I think of him for who he is and what we stood for and I'm glad we're not a "we" anymore.

I've begun "dating" again. Although good men are such a commodity that they seem to have an upper hand in this itty bitty town (perhaps state) I call home. I also struggle being here. But I struggle leaving. My life was determined by so much movement for awhile it's been nice to sit and be still. But, then I don't want to be stagnant. I've found a home base which is eerily similar to my safety net from the past, and I'm okay for awhile. I'd like to beef up my savings, and be teetering on the positive end of the financial balance beam before I make a move. I think that's what God wants me to do. Get my savings, credit, and general self together and then walk in the way I should go.

Make believe

I had a great day today. I didn’t do things as a reaction to him. I didn’t long for him and what we had, could’ve had, or should’ve had. I didn’t hate him for what he never gave me. When I talked about him --if I talked about him -- I discussed him as an entity separate from myself. I spoke, I think, objectively, not void of emotion, but without emotional affect. I spoke of him in the past without possibility or hope for a future. He was something that happened to me, no longer something that defined me. Last night and today I had conversations with people who fed the intellectual cravings I’d desired for so long. I got to share my philosophy impart my ideologies, and feel the way I felt without fear of judgment or abuse. I hadn’t had that for quite some time.

Today was growth. I sat in my favorite chair journaling with my dog at my side recalling a conversation that had just occurred and feeling my growth but incapable of acknowledging its need for a name. I felt more satisfied than I had before because satisfaction was born from a moment and not a search. Over the past few months I’ve been searching for happiness, for satisfaction, for peace, for me. But those things are lost in the seeking. They lie quietly in the moments of serenity. They are the spawn of acceptance -- not complacency -- acceptance in the purest form: “the fact of being accepted: approval” I approved of myself today. I stamped a red rubber stamp, sans the bureaucracy, on my flesh. To say that I loved myself would be doing an injustice to what transgressed. I have always “loved myself.” Yet did not approve, at least, as I should have. To approve of oneself, one’s history, reality and response to the preceding is the greatest peace. That was gift to myself.

Thinking of the joy that I hear in Emily’s voice when she speaks of her wife is ecstasy. To think that someone who went through so much has found what they have desired is exhilarating. Not because I hope to find that someday, but because someone already has. I hear in her voice the love that I dreamt existed before I met him,  felt as I loved him, and began to forget and as he ignored his love for me. Hearing that truth, that clarity in her voice was a soothing relief to a heart that lay singed and wizened from pain. I’m glad that she has found what she has, because now I know that what I craved as a little girl doesn’t only exist in the land of make believe.

a difference

I'm at a different place right now. Although the same is true literally, that is not the context in which I speak.

We, he and I, had a conversation last night that scared me. Thinking about it now makes me nervous and fear-filled trembles take refuge in my body. He screamed at me. He was upset at something I said and he screamed until his voice cracked.

Last night, as I lay my head down on my pillow, the last thoughts were those of him -- us. I woke 4 hours after the original positioning to find myself full of fear. Riddled with terror I looked back to times when he would hit things, and slam his head against walls. I awoke very frightened. So frightened I wanted to cry.

He shouldn't treat me this way. I won't let him talk to me like that anymore. It's not fair and it's not nice.