An old friend

We had lunch yesterday.  We arrived at the same time. I was able to see him walking into the restaurant first which was nice. It didn't make my weird feelings go away, but I felt like I'd cheated and gotten a leg up somehow.  

I walked in as he was being seated.  He saw me, but didn't recognize me at first....  He looked the exact same, just a bit older.  No eyebrow ring. His hair was longer, but physically, he looked the same.  They sat us at this oddly shaped table and it was like we can sit here and be "that couple" that sits next to each other on a date -- which this was not, or we could be King and Queen enjoying a feast and sit at opposite ends of the table from one another.  We chose somewhere in between.  Close enough to talk and prop our legs up on the seat, but far enough so physical contact was minimal.

I'd prefer to not do the dissecting thing.  Where I overanalyze EVERY aspect of this "meeting." Drive myself nuts, and eventually get disappointed. I want to chock this up to a great reunion with an old friend.  Which, I think is what that was.  While we were on the ship I had a ridiculous crush on him.  Ridiculous.  We're in an impossible situation right now... I say that as if there is even a "we" or "situation."  I'm just antsy to move on by dating other people.  Any single male that I'm around is pretty much fair game at this point.  

We talked about who we are now, who we were, and he remembered things about me that I'd forgotten long ago.  I realized how much I missed him. I missed how comfortable I felt around him.  How it was okay for me to be excited and passionate and silly.  He made fun of me for little things, I was nervous at first, but things fell into place.  I couldn't ignore that old crush’s second cousin that showed up for a surprise visit.  He’s cute and he reminds me of Marty… he still reminds me of Marty. 

I’m at a difficult place in my life.  I’ve fully moved on from a very serious, crazily unhealthy relationship. I’ve dated other guys who appeared to have potential, but did not.  I’m ready for something.  When I see babies I do the whole “biological clock is ticking” coo and long for one of my own. But, I’m not there yet.  I’m not ready for a heavy-duty relationship.  I am, however, ready to be attractive to someone again.  To have someone look at me with longing and sincerity… to have someone look at me and see me.  It’s been far too long, but that’s my fault. I can be over cautious. 

Emotionally, I’m tender and bruised. I can’t help but feel betrayed by two people I cared about.  I feel that they could’ve been more mindful of exactly what their decisions would do to me. But, because of how sinister one can be and the naïveté the other tends toward, they’re incapable of understanding exactly why, how much, and what exactly hurt me.   As a result, I’m being far too mindful of what others need and how I could possibly hurt someone else. I’m overcompensating by looking too far into far too many nooks and crannies of the future.  I want to live my life as carefree and happily as I’d always intended. But I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t think our joys are supposed to be at the expense of others.   Is it possible to be in a relationship that doesn’t hurt? Where anger,jealousy, and mistrust aren’t the prevailing sentiments?  I’ve only had that with my female friends.  It’s an unfamiliar tendency in regards to the opposite sex, hence my over analysis of minutiae.  Is it possible for someone to fall in love with me and I them and for no one to lay singed and broken?

Family portrait

The key to attracting people, either romantically or platonically, is confidence.  Making friends is, more often than not, easy for me because I have confidence in my ability to hold a conversation.  I'm intellectually curious, high energy, and pretty open-minded.  It's not particularly necessary to be confident in your physical beauty when attracting friends.  At least not the friends I want to attract. 

It is, however, necessary to have a certain amount of confidence in your physical beauty when seeking a relationship.  

I look like my parents. 

I hate them for what they've done to me and put me through.  It's difficult and damn near impossible for me to see beauty in myself when they are all I see when I look in the mirror.  I want to scratch out my eyes, claw at my cheeks, and cover my forehead in glass.  I can't seem to get over seeing such wretched people daily.  They hurt me and to resemble that is torture.  I've dealt with the emotional pain.  But, how do I forgive them to the degree that I can find my own image attractive?  Is that possible?

How can I be confident while portraying the face of the two nastiest people I've ever known?

I guess I'll just have to feign confidence till then.

Ashes to ashes

Another one bites the dust.

There will be others.

continuing

It's impossible to start over.  Regardless of intent, we enter into situations with prior knowledge.  We can't help but approach situations with the clarity or baggage of before.  

 I'm not naive enough to think that starting over with dating is possible.  I've learned what it is about me that's attractive to others.  I'm going to highlight those attributes with the hopes of attracting someone.   I know what I don't like about men. I'm not going to approach gentlemen who have the characteristics of someone I know I'm not attracted to.  I've learned enough about dating to realize that everyone is different and that everything doesn't work out like fairy tales.  

Fighting for everything I have has presented me with the, often forgotten, clarity that everything worth having is worth fighting for.  Friends have said that love is "easy."  It won't be for me.  Nothing for me is easy.... Nothing will ever be easy.   I'm not the girl who a man notices in a sea or beauty, singles out, and begins to "court."  That's just not my story.  I would like it to be because I want to feel valued.  I feel valued when people pursue me.  But its not that easy.  Nothing for me is easy.  

It's officially depression sans the emotional kickback

“A recession is when your neighbor loses his job; a depression is when you lose yours.” Reagan/Truman


If that's the case, then I'm truly depressed... but I'm not.  My steps are ordered. I will walk in the way I am to walk. 


The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
 for his name's sake.
 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, ^[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
 your rod and your staff, 
 they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

Bring It On.  

I've been through so much worse.

Take me or leave me

Giving it till Thursday and if I don't hear from him by then I will conclude he's not interested.  I could rattle off statements which affirm me and belittle him, but I'd be a liar. I like(d) him.  He's nice person.  It appeared as though he was interested.   

A deadline gives my heart permission to stop caring.  It's hard when the person you'd like to be in a relationship with, or at least get to know better, doesn't reciprocate your feelings.  Especially when your ex is engaged to your friend whom he lusted after during most of your relationship.  It kinda messes with your self worth.

When I was with Seth and even Ricardo I didn't think about him. I seldom think about them, but they were the furthest thing from my mind when it appeared that I was going to be involved in something very good in the near future.  But now that I feel like a failure -- I know I'm not -- I tend to analyze what I keep getting wrong and they've gotten so right.

Work also exhausted me this weekend. I'm running on low and need to rejuvenate myself.  I keep getting up early and it's depleted my life source.  I refuse to ignore how I feel today. I will welcome it with a bowed head and open arms.  "Here I am world beat me up if you so desire. I will take it like a fat kid takes a punch. I'll play dead for a minute or two, but then I'll get up when I think the danger is gone and hustle home for supper."

even if i never see you again i'm glad tonight happened.

I felt comfortable with you.  Honest laughter squirted from my lips and surprised me more than you.  Perhaps feeding your ego  whilst releasing me from bondage of one previous.  You asked questions about my life and family and shared, briefly information of your own.  You hesitated to divulge details but I sensed a desire.  

We sat on my couch watching a movie I've seen several times  and I love how when our bodies connected you didn't move.  I wanted to feel your hand on my back. I wanted to know for sure. I wanted a purposeful position of an appendage but settled for what you offered; refusal to remove whichever body part touched mine.  When my head lingered near your shoulder you allowed a relative stranger to invade your space as I did.  

You paid indirect and direct compliments. So polite. So kind. So genuine.  I thought of only you and no one else. That is an accomplishment in and of itself.  I enjoyed your company. You existed without me pulling you from inside yourself. You allowed me to exist as meek as I wanted and as interesting as I could be.  I was myself with you tonight.  A self that has been hurt and scarred and is wary of those she meets.  It felt good to exist with the accomplishments from my own resume and not try and compete with yours. You allowed me to exist. You allowed my effortless self to stand or sit or kneel or lay next to you during the brief time.  

This was a success because I'm starting to see and understand that a relationship doesn't have to be built on sex or lust. It's possible for it to be built of friendship and chivalry.  You were nice to me and I want(ed) to be nice to you.  I enjoyed myself and I'm hoping that you did too.  If not, I'm okay with that.... because I've healed enough to know that what I'm feeling is okay on it's own.

I should be sleeping

It's 5:54 in the morning and I'm awake.  I haven't been sleeping well for the past week.

My body has always manifested stress in a way that interrupts my slumber.    I have a crush-- it takes away sleep. I'm stressed at work - I get my period and it takes away sleep. There's a bit of a pattern.

I had a dream that I was weird.  Once I awoke, I realized that where I'm at is too small for me.  I don't mean "I'm so amazing and this place can't hold me." No, eh eh.  I have unconventional ideas and beliefs and I haven't found anyone here who I can identify with. As a result, this place is too small for me.  I'd like to move out west somewhere.  For some reason I feel that's where the people with the big ideas live.  Probably not. There probably right here and I just need to find them.