Maternal

For the first time in my life, I awoke with a feeling of connection.  I’d had a dream that I was pregnant and gave birth to a baby girl.  Her hair was straight and black; she was part Asian, she looked older than a newborn and she was screaming as they pulled her away from me. Inside I remember feeling calm.  Taking solace in the knowledge that no matter where she was, we would be linked.

Then I was in a cafeteria of sorts.  I dreamt that there were pictures of the nurses taking her away from me on all of the walls.  I asked the people eating lunch if they’d seen her. Initially, they all answered no. Then, after a half an hour I was making rounds again and they all admitted that they’d seen her a half an hour ago.   It felt like I was in some sort of time continuum.  I wouldn’t stop searching, but no one would help me look for her.  No one else was concerned that she was missing. 

Just before I woke up a different part of the room appeared.  I was on my way to search in that direction when I woke up.  I felt sad. I wanted to hold her in my arms, to be her parent, but the opportunity never presented itself. 

I want to be a parent.  Not now perhaps, but eventually, soon.   I had a great Christmas.  My phone was off, I cleaned my apartment, hung out with my dog made the largest breakfast I’d make for myself in years.  I just learned how to make potato latkes.  AMAZING.  If I do have a family I want our Christmases to be something similar. Low-key but family oriented. No tree. No lights, no decorations.  Just a day where we rejoice that we’re in each other’s lives.  I’d like that very much.

Pillar

Today will be one of the toughest days of my life.  There's a lot going on at work.  I have papers due for grad school and the weather outside is damn miserable.  I'm seriously crossing Minnesota off my list for Ed.D programs because I guarantee I won't be able to handle the effing weather; -30 actual temp is about as desirable as a childhood diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis and ARPKD.

We're having a reunion of sorts for the girls today.  All three years combined. In one place. In this weather. AWESOME.

They're gonna ask me questions about he and I and now she and I and she and he. I don't know if it's better to bring it up myself, and get it over with, or leave it be and take care of it when one of them brings it up.

Today will be difficult not because of one thing, but because of kaleidoscope life I'm living.  I want desperately to be held and told "All will be fine." Not good, not great, but fine.  That's all I want. I've done the holding and mothering, mentoring, and sistering, but not the partnering.  I want to lay in his arms and feel what I'm feeling and not talk about it. Not yet.  Lay and laugh, or cry whichever tickles my fancy. I want to know that someone is there.  I know God is "there" or "here" or "wherever." That's not enough for me.  That's probably blasphemous to say, but it doesn't change how I feel.

I want to weep and cry.  I will, trust me.  I want to fall and sob, and I will. I'll pick myself up "weary and bruised to the bone," but I want help getting up.  A totem-pole of strength on which to brace myself till I can stand fully erect.  I need that, but for now, as usual, I will do it on my own.

Arizona

 San Francisco by Brett Dennen

Go if you want to go
But I won't follow
Just so you know
Leave if you need to leave
But I won't be here
I wont be here when you come home

I'm gonna to move to San Francisco
Look up some old friends
I'm gonna get me a navy pea coat
And an old Mercedes Benz

This old town it keeps shrinking
There's too many people in my junk
I'm gonna do a lot of drinking
Cause it don't hurt when I'm drunk

Chorus

I'm gonna rent me an old Victorian
Down in the Lower Haight
I'm gonna find me an old accordion
Play for the tourists on the golden gate

I'm gonna plant a garden
Paint my bathroom blue
I'm gonna try real hard
To get over you

Here in the city life doesn't move so slow
There's plenty of good people I know
Up in north beach they drink spicy Italian liqueur
Down on market there's a lot of hobos and the hustlers

Down in Hayes Valley, there's a lot of real good restaurants
Deep in the tenderloin you can get anything you want
Over in the mission it's always a sunny day
It's a real good baseball town but my team is across the bay

I feel the need to just go.

If I had to write a personal ad this is probably what it would look like a la the Stephanie Klein format:

I hate the ways Chacos look.  I think they make your feet look swollen.  I'd rather be outdoors climbing a mountain or skiing down a slope, but I need someone to show me how.  I enjoy backpacking through difficult terrain because of the journey not the overlook.  I don't talk when I hike probably because I'm trying to catch my breath.  I have so much of something sleeping inside me and theatre is the only safe conduit for it's electricity when it slips from hibernation. I laugh loud and often, its my favorite thing to do. I'll cook for you and your friends, and your friends friends and their family as long as you look me in the eye after your first bite and tell me that you like it.  I want kids... I don't care the order, or how many, but I want the chance to build a family of my own. I blow my nose more often than I breathe and sometimes the tissues don't always make it to the trash can on the first or third try. I don't shower everyday. I enjoy camping because the inaccessibility of a bathroom allows me to be just as dirty as I like being.  l have too many pillows on my bed and get frustrated in the middle of the night when they're suffocating me . I have to sleep with something against my back and I'd prefer you over a pillow.  I love vodka tonics with orange flavored vodka. I am still amazed at things like sex and alcohol because I was raised to believe that they're wrong and one shouldn't indulge in them without the proper supervision -- or at all.

You would make me feel safe.   This world magnifies my personality to make it larger than life and describes it as intimidating , but you understand it's because I've had to create a little bit of everyone I love in myself because my "real" family left a long time ago.  You'd let me read in your company. You doing what you do, watching tv, or on the computer or reading , but you'd drape your arm over my shoulder and let me lean against you as I read or solved a crossword puzzle (which I don't do) or Sudoku (which I haven't done in years). But you'd let me do what I do quietly and be okay not being the certain of my attention. You'd lead me through crowds by holding my hand and paving the way...not because I can't walk or lead myself, but because I feel safer when you do.  You are well aware of your emotions, feelings and are able and comfortable to express them when the times comes... no matter how ugly or pleasant you're not afraid to let me see who you are. You're comfortable sourcing your life from something that has nothing to do with me. You're aware of a God that created us and define It according to your understanding, not someone else's.   You'd laugh with me during the most difficult time in either or both of our lives with the understanding that our journey's are separate, we just choose to bike through them together. You pick up whenever I call if you can. You communicate without me having to walk you through the process.  You tell me I'm wrong kindly and gently, but stand your ground if its something you believe and you're unafraid when I challenge that view.

We laugh. We experience life together with knowing looks, smiles and beneath the table knee connections.  We are together for a very long time probably till death, but that sounds cliche and has been kidnapped by a faulty selfish institution so I'm afraid to say it...but it's what I mean.