Maternal

For the first time in my life, I awoke with a feeling of connection.  I’d had a dream that I was pregnant and gave birth to a baby girl.  Her hair was straight and black; she was part Asian, she looked older than a newborn and she was screaming as they pulled her away from me. Inside I remember feeling calm.  Taking solace in the knowledge that no matter where she was, we would be linked.

Then I was in a cafeteria of sorts.  I dreamt that there were pictures of the nurses taking her away from me on all of the walls.  I asked the people eating lunch if they’d seen her. Initially, they all answered no. Then, after a half an hour I was making rounds again and they all admitted that they’d seen her a half an hour ago.   It felt like I was in some sort of time continuum.  I wouldn’t stop searching, but no one would help me look for her.  No one else was concerned that she was missing. 

Just before I woke up a different part of the room appeared.  I was on my way to search in that direction when I woke up.  I felt sad. I wanted to hold her in my arms, to be her parent, but the opportunity never presented itself. 

I want to be a parent.  Not now perhaps, but eventually, soon.   I had a great Christmas.  My phone was off, I cleaned my apartment, hung out with my dog made the largest breakfast I’d make for myself in years.  I just learned how to make potato latkes.  AMAZING.  If I do have a family I want our Christmases to be something similar. Low-key but family oriented. No tree. No lights, no decorations.  Just a day where we rejoice that we’re in each other’s lives.  I’d like that very much.