The internet's prostitute

I want so many contradictory things. To change education while remaining a hermit who lives in a yurt.  A business that flourishes without pimping myself out to the electronic masses.

I just created a website for my business and I'm exhausted.  The minute I thought I could possibly be finished I saw a picture that was out of line, inconsistent text, or wanted to add a new quote.  I'm not even using HTML and my brain is fried.

The computer has been my only vision for so long I think my retina is singed.  I want this to work, but I don't want it to overwork me.   I don't know what I'm doing in the grand scheme of things. I don't have a business degree, and I'm not planning on getting one. I only know my vision and I can work towards that.  Step number one? Secure funding.  If I thought 19more was time consuming now? What am I going to think when I'm in grad school full-time, writing grant proposals, working full-time, trying to get to know a new city, and launching a business.  I have a blog for me -- this is it, a blog for my website, and a blog for 19more.  Will I ever run out of things to say? Yes.  Has it happened?  Maybe, but I don't think so. My inspiration is born of my interactions with others. I haven't truly interacted with others in days. I go back to work tomorrow and I NEED to submit this application for a job today.  It has to happen. TODAY.

I'm surrounded by the feeling that I'm not good enough and this is all for naught :(.  <-- look, it's  smiley face with a dimple.  

I will be okay.  That is meant as a statement of reassurance rather than a definitive reality.de

Growing apart

I feel life too intensely.  Maybe that's why I love(d) acting.  The depth with which I'm allowed to feel and portray emotions is ideal.  

Monologues that make my skin tingle and guts vibrate are my coping mechanism.

I was able to lean into that crutch for years.  With my most recent position working with youth I had to teach them how to deal with conflict in a socially acceptable, middle-class, way.  As a result, I wasn't able to harbor my emotions and use them as fodder for my next prized performance.  I learned to address conflict in a healthy and appropriate manner, for that I will always give thanks.

But now, I'm a little too raw for my own liking.  When people come to me with their own issues, projecting them as frustration or wrongdoing by me, that hurts me more than I'd like.  A friend who is dealing with their own shit hurt me badly and I'm not sure they'll ever care or know just how much.  I'm afraid we're growing apart.  I'm afraid we were never on the same level.

I'm a little too well-adjusted to losing people I love for my own liking.

Blog Carnival

I was just asked to participate in a Blog carnival.  Nice!  I'd never heard of it before, but it involves writing and the outdoors so I'm in!

Now, what to write about?

Mrs. Claus

I'm making a list and checking it twice.  Since I'll be losing my health insurance in a little over 100 days I'm making as many doctor's appointments as I can. That means, the Nephrologist, the OBGYN, primary care physician, hematologist, and anyone who has ever had their hands on both my medical records and my physical body at the same time.  Shoot! I forgot the dentist!

I was canceling my gym membership as well as my internet and home phone this morning. The conversation with the woman from the phone company went something like this:

Her: Why are you canceling your subscription?
Me: I'm moving cross -country
Her: WOW GOOD FOR YOU!
ME: Ha ha, thanks.
Her: That's really great! I wish you the best of luck! That sounds like so much fun!!!

I was on the phone with one of my friends the other day and she was trying to explain that a lot of people want get in their cars and go, they just don't.  I guess I'm lucky that way.  I don't have too many voices discouraging me from living out my insane desires. I must admit a little terror creeps in each day.  Is this what I really want?  The reality of the situation often sneaks in and takes a nap right next to terror on some days.  I'm really making a move without a plan.

What's interesting is that since I've stopped sending out my resume and applying for jobs I've gotten more calls/emails for interviews than before.  They're from all over the country.  I don't know if that has anything to do with my vocalization of "I'm going to take my steps and let God build the bridge as I walk," or not. All I know, is that it's nice.  The not worrying part. Someone is taking care of me.  That's all I've ever wanted.

My interview with Seattle went really well. Crap! I have to send a follow-up thank you email. If nothing is set in stone by the time August 1st rolls around I'm just going to get in my little Impreza and drive.

I just wonder where I'm going to shower.

Chloe

About a year ago a former student of mine passed away.  She'd battled leukemia since the eighth grade.  When she died she was a senior in high school.  I miss her. Last year the school held several fundraising events and brought quite a bit of attention to her life and her story. This year, as with everything, there's not as much light on the issue.  I understand, we're human, things fade. They're making bracelets to honor life and struggle.  Just thinking about her again is saddening, and I have to fight back the tears.  I just remember feeling like it wasn't that big of a deal. She'll fight and she'll win. She didn't.

When I was in the seventh grade a classmate of mine died as a result of leukemia as well.  I miss them both.

Blog Pride Day

I'm coming out of the blog closet-- soon.  I've hidden this little puppy from everyone except Amy, Kim, and Barb for many reasons.   One, they don't judge me ... ever, at least not to my face.  :) Everything I write here is something I've already told them about over the phone, or in Kim's case g-chat.  I just need the catharsis of typing/writing it out. I'm choosing now because apart of hiding in the closet was because I was afraid of what people will think.  Will they judge me for my anger or my longing?  Will they think less of me?  They might and that's alright.

I'm moving in seven months, that's actually a nice amount of time, and people will want to know what I'm up to.  I'm going to get a prepaid cell phone for emergencies.  I'm not going to part the Red Sea trying to find a job.  I figure a monthly cell phone bill costs as much as Garvey's dog food from this wonderful establishment and if I have to choose a phone or my best friend, I'm gonna choose le pup.

Going through my old blogs wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It wasn't hard at all. It didn't feel like anything.  I fixed a few glaring grammatical mishaps, deleted one sentence, and that's it.  I was proud of myself.  I didn't feel the need to hide anything from anyone.  When I started this blog with "I saw at sea a great fog bank between two ships that struck and sank..." my heart was crumbling.  I felt like life had ended and forgotten to take me with it, gosh was I pitiful.  I needed an anonymous outlet.  The profile information, the email address, the picture, all faux material.  But no more, I've been hiding in the closet because I was used to it; not sharing my story because it involved other people.  When I was going to group, it's been like a year since my last visit, one of the women whose husband's behavior had damaged her so severely she lost sight of her self and attempted suicide, told us she's not going to hide because "...it's her story to tell."  Those words rang out and resounded in me like a toddler with a musical triangle walking through a cave. My life is my story. I have never, nor will I ever post disparaging remarks about anyone.  That would defeat this blog's purpose.  I write to reflect.  I don't need to mow anyone over for my own self-actualization.

My Icebreaker baselayer pants are coming in the mail today. Yay!  I'll wait to go for a run until they arrive.  I think my trekking poles will also arrive so I may go to the rails to trails and do a test run.  Rasta's front paw is injured. She's not putting any weight on it so she'll probably have to stay here.  :(  She's so much fun. I think I like her more than I like Garvey. Uh-oh.  It's just apart of her charm.  I think Garvey loves her more than he loves me.  So we're even. She does resemble Buckeye (the SBA three- legged dog) as she runs. That is unfortunate.

While I'm waiting for my Fed-Ex boyfriend I'm going to sit in my down sleeping bag (I turned the heat off last night so I could test it out: A+++) finish some planning for MLK Jr. Day, take packing boxes to the basement, vacuum shards of tile from my carpet and take a shower, maybe. My apartment is freezing and being cold and wet are a combination of my two least favorite states of being.

All-in-all I'm feeling mighty fine.  :)

Emancipation Proclamation

I'm going to attempt to thru hike the 790 mile baby beast that is the Arizona trail (AZT).  At this point my departure date is August 18, 2010.  Ahhh! Writing it means that others know about it.  It's no longer some internal desire. Well, proclaming it here doesn't make it wholly external.  There's nothing external that will push me to finish.  Except God. And I'm not fully convinced that God is external.

I feel like so much of my life has been future-oriented or past-related. Working full-time has made me wish for time to hike and travel.  I'm quitting my job soon enough and the panic that takes residence is evidence that something is wrong.  I shouldn't be so worried about something that's happening so far in the future.  When I think about moving to AZ my chest palpates and I feel uneasy. When I research the AZT wonder drives me.  A bit of trepidation flutters, but mostly wonder and peace.  I may not finish.  So what. I'm going to try. That's what's important to me.

Right now, I'm deciding if I should sell my belongings... again. I'm leaning toward no because I have really great stuff and I don't want to have to buy it all over again.  I don't mind getting rid of the meaningless things, but my oversized chair and mosaic table are two things that signify good things.

My 0 degree down bag came in the mail today. Yay!  My Smartwool shirt came yesterday.  A bunch of other gear is on its way.  My tent (so excited) should be here in a week or so. I'm going to take Garvey on an overnight camping trip so I can see what we're both made of... can we handle the cold? Most of the other things will go into storage till I'm through with grad school.

I'll be fine. The prospect of mountain lions freaks me out a bit, not gonna front.  Other than that, I'll be fine.  :)